Posted on

Unintentionally Prepared

If you are anything like my husband you might call my car messy. But if you are anything like me, you would call it an unintentional emergency preparedness kit.

In the event of a catastrophic apocalyptic type of occurrence, whose car would you choose? There are more nutritional calories in one of the crevices of my seats than my husbands entire vehicle. You could literally prolong your life by licking a seat.

My well-meaning husband kindly helps to manage the clutter frequently removes valuable, potentially life-saving, items from my vehicle.

At this very moment items in my unintentional emergency preparedness kit include:

-2 buckets, which have the potential to catch fish, collect rain water or provide a portable in-car toilet (now I know what you’re thinking, and no need to worry, the rest of the list will be here while you track down a bucket or two and place them in your vehicle).

-1 bottles worth of water in 3 separate containers, for drinking, washing hands or wound care.

-2 half eaten boxes of crackers, nutrition, clearly.

-1 sealed bag of mini wheats, nutrition again, but it is essential in case of extreme emergency that my kids have a food item that they WILL eat without complaint.

-A minimum of 2 handfuls of cheerios spread throughout my vehicle, more nutrition, or perhaps a lure for trapping creatures, for more nutrition. One of those buckets will really come in handy now (see diagram 1).

diagram 1 – hunting

-An old iphone charge cable, to allow you to set and pull the large beast trap closed.

-8 paper crafts my daughters have lovingly created at day care, fire starter.

-22 laminated hundreds charts, in the event that the catastrophic event is long lasting, my daughters WILL have good number sense. 21 of these could be used as shingles on a makeshift roof.

-A waterproof beach blanket, that could double as an actual blanket or a tarp.

-3 diapers, self explanatory.

-1 full package of wipes, portable bath.

-3 sets of kids rubber boots, we will be spending a great deal of time in streams, for fishing/entertainment purposes.

-2 warm sweaters.

-2 child sized rain suits.

-1 adult rain jacket.

-1 umbrella, as you can see, I have a slight aversion to rain.

-40 pieces of gum, freshness in an emergency never hurt anyone.

-5 locking containers for food storage.

-A fully charged iphone 3, loaded with a variety of music, including “Eye of the Tiger,” which is of course potential motivation music for… well… anything.

-A hand-made happy birthday sign. That ribbon is 4 metres long and can easily hoist any food that has been procured into the air and out of the claws of large scavengers (see diagram 2a). It could also double as a birthday sign (see diagram 2b).

diagram 2a – food kept very safe
diagram 2b – post apocalyptic birthday celebration

-3 pens, for performing potential tracheotomies. I’m not entirely sure what circumstances call for a tracheotomy, but I think I will know it when I see it.

-Roughly $2.78 in change. I haven’t found much of a use for this change yet, but I think it is important to take a complete inventory.

I wasn’t always this messy delusional prepared. I used to have a free hand, sometimes two. I used to take pride in maintaining a minimally messy vehicle, I regularly removed the refuse from the floor and placed it in a more appropriate place.

BUT this is my life now, so silver linings, lemons, lemonade or whatever.

I am prepared.

Are you?

Posted on

The Mom Song

I am so incredibly lucky to have such amazing moms in my life.  Seriously.  I love you all.  This book is dedicated to all of you.  Thank you for your advice, your friendship and for “getting” me.

Also… look past the pics haha.

 

Have a mom friend who needs a copy of this? Print it here:  Mom Song

Posted on

One Cup, Two Cups

Dr. Seuss as an exasperated parent… At least I feel like he would have had days like this.

I also feel like this might reveal a little too much about how my mind works, after years of having Dr. Seuss read to me, then reading it to my sisters, to my classes and now to my girls, ridiculous rhymes float through my head all day.

So here it is, my Seuss-y take on parenting. (Don’t mind the “art”)

 

One cup two cups

Posted on

Why You Probably Shouldn’t Have 3 Dogs and 2 Kids

WARNING: A couple of these reasons contain poop, but if you were considering 3 dogs and 2 kids, I think it is important you have all of the facts. So here you have it.

If the dogs haven’t already wrecked it, the kids will. We got all 3 of our fur babies before having actual babies. Raising 3 puppies at different times and trying to have nice things seemed next to impossible. After having kids it seems as though they are conspiring together to destroy the remainder of our unchewed belongings. See our coffee table. The 3 year old put a piece of cheese into the drawer, closed the drawer unbeknownst to me, we left the house, ran some errands, all the while 1 or 2 or perhaps all 3 dogs, worked relentlessly and unsuccessfully to free the cheese.

Is this dog shaming? I only assume he is the culprit.

Water bowls become indoor water tables. In fact the allure of splashing in the water bowl enticed both of my kids to crawl. Any amount of toys can not persuade them to travel in a different direction, not even an actual water table, which ironically, now doubles as a dog water bowl.

Just when you think you are on top of your game, they will set things straight. I worked all day, completing my first week back at work after a 15 month maternity leave. I felt good, but I had had it easy, the hubby had been off that week and running the show at home. He, however, was rushing to leave on a manly camping trip for the weekend, and announces the dog has pooped on the deck as he races out the door. Not a problem, the dog has been sick and I clean up the mess. The kids and I venture off to the park have a lovely time, return home to cook a delicious and nutritious supper, that is happily devoured by both children. I wipe faces and hands and set the kids free to play and turn to tidy up. While washing dishes I reflect on just how great this day has gone. Working full time, enjoying my kids and maintaining the house with a hubby out of town was indeed possible. I had this. And then the 3 year old proclaims “The dog pooped on the deck” “Wait, What?! I cleaned that.” “The poop is on her diaper” I race on to the deck to discover the 1 year old was actually the first one to discover the poop, that had hidden itself behind some patio furniture, and she has covered herself, literally from head to toe, in poop. To make matters worse she hates baths, HATES hates, like screams while clutching the edge of the tub in an attempt to claw her way out sort of hates. She receives the fastest and the soapiest bath in history, and I realize I had brought this upon myself. I had already had it all, choosing to wash dishes was deliberately challenging fate.

Barking. Whether there is a very real threat, such as a package delivery, or a perceived threat such as a squirrel climbing a tree, the result is the same, an impractical amount of passionate yapping. They have no concern for nap time and feed off of each other’s enthusiastic infuriating energy.

“Gentle… I SAID BE GENTLE!” A lesson taught each day as the baby’s kind petting turns into furious fists full of hair. 

There is some confusion over whose toys are whose. Dogs chew the kids toys and kids have been known to return the favour.

Travel is not easy. 3 dogs at a kennel is roughly $100 a day (I’m not sure what they charge for 2 kids, joking- only partly), with one dog needing 3 pills 4 times a day and us determined to make this trip happen, we figured it would be easiest to bring them with us. 2 hours into a 3 hour drive, the hubby and I congratulate ourselves on our perfectly timed departure, both the 3 year old and 1 year old have slept for the large majority of it, allowing time for adult music, adult conversations and starbucks sipped in peace. Then IT happens. It creeps over the back seat, makes it’s way over my sleeping babies, and snakes it’s way into the front seat, settling deep inside our nostrils, the unmistakable, overwhelming stench of dog poop. At that point we have 2 options, pull over to deal with the poop and most definitely wake the sleeping kids or keep driving and bear with it.   Of course we keep driving, fending off the smell with the perfect balance of air conditioning and positive thinking. The hubby optimistically declares the poop is certainly just that, A poop, I however know better, but choose to believe in that too. 30 minutes later both kids wake up and my fears are confirmed. In a Walmart parking lot, we discard a dog bed and a full container of used diaper wipes, buy a new dog bed, air out the car and carry on.

Or maybe you should because…

You never have to clean up your food messes… ever. With a great deal of competition, sometimes crumbs don’t even hit the floor.

A baby excitedly feeding a dog their treat is one of the cutest things you’ll ever see… even when she’s not supposed to be feeding them the 28th one.

They both get equally tired while playing with the same stick. Seriously.

 When you hear barks of joy after the 3 year old managed to maneuver a squeaky toy, drenched with drool, out of the dog’s desperate grasp and you hear her feet drumming down the hall as he chases her, again and again, you admit that it is all worth it.

Posted on

The WINE Book

Have you ever loved a kids book so much you find yourself chanting the words throughout the day?   Have you ever wished you could read an adult book in the same amount of time that you whiz through a kid’s book?

Well, it is here,  just for you!

I’ve spent 3 years researching this book (aka reading kids books over and over). I think if my hero Sandra Boynton wrote an adult board book, it would go a little something like this (picture much cuter pictures and it’s square):

  

If you know someone who needs a little laugh print them a copy 🙂

TheWINEBook

Posted on

How to Make a Pizza in 10 Easy Steps

  1. Look at clock, realize you do not have anything prepared for supper, take stock of things in the cupboard and fridge.
  2. Google pizza recipes online, find one with an acceptable number of approval ratings that promises a fast delicious pizza, assure your 3 year old that you are not looking at videos of her.
  3. Set children up with loud flashing toys, move fast, this will buy you exactly 37 seconds before the three year old realizes what you are up to and pulls up a chair to “help”. You will have an additional 89 seconds before the baby realizes what you are both up to.
  4. Remove baby from pantry where there is a large bag of open oats, while reminding the 3 year old, “please don’t splash the flour”
  5. Quickly and as accurately as possible measure ingredients into a bowl, while removing the baby’s fingers from the drawer that she insists on repetitively shutting her fingers into.
  6. Knead and roll out dough as quickly
    as possible, while dancing to avoid the now crying baby’s fingers from locking on to your pant leg, avoiding any expectation of a pick up.
  7. Show 3 year old how to roll a crust on onto the edge of the pizza, so you can distract the baby with raisins on the coffee table. Remind yourself, that this pizza is for eating, there will be no prize for the perfect pizza crust.
  8. Grate cheese, while the 3 year old spoons out the sauce. Remind the baby that the “raisins are for you, not the dog”. Yell at dog, “go lie down!”
  9. Put pizza in oven, turn on oven light, ask 3 year old to tell you when the pizza is ready, put baby beside her to watch the pizza. You now have 58 seconds to pick up raisins off the floor, throw ingredients back into the pantry and put a few dishes into the sink before they realize you have “free time”
  10. Slice pizza, serve pizza and sit down. Re-slice the three year olds pizza to match the baby’s pizza. Sit down. Get the three year old a sippy cup with water and ice. Sit down and enjoy.  
Posted on

The Incessant Santa

The other day my step mother thoughtfully gifted my 2 year old daughter a motion activated singing santa. Seems cute, right?? There is NO off button, NONE. Judging by the number of times it sings in a day, I am almost certain that the motion that sets off said jingle, also charges the batteries.

Now I know what she was doing. She had been gifted this singing Santa herself in a secret Santa swap. To save herself from a lifetime of motion induced jingles she thought she would pass him along to his next home. I don’t blame her, I really don’t, but while this singing Santa is slowly driving me senseless, I sit here plotting either my revenge, or my own passing on of this Christmas cruelty.

Who originally bought the singing Santa?? I can almost understand what they were doing there. I imagine they thought it was funny, a jingle that cannot be turned off. There was a time when I would have thought that too. I know better now. They couldn’t possibly have imagined that the battery would last forever.

I am forced to wonder what sort of unpleasant person could construct such an infuriating piece of plastic??   I think I have to assume they are either mad themselves or suffered some sort of Christmas upset. Did Santa skip by them one year?? Did he bring something they hadn’t asked for?? Was the great Santa secret revealed to soon?? WHAT WAS IT?!?!

And then I wonder, just how old is this Santa?? Was he created and purchased this year?? Or has he spent season upon season moving from home to home?? How many homes have been afflicted by the holiday horror of non stop jingles??

I know what you are thinking, just throw the singing Santa away. I would have said that too. It seems like it would be the simplest solution, however the madness has consumed me now and I fear that once it has left my house amongst the trash, that it would soon be resurrected by scavenging squirrels or seagulls and somehow make it’s way back to me. It would forever haunt me. Instead I must pass it along so it can safely resume its journey of torment on whoever hears its song.

Be wary my friends, Santa is coming to town.