Making the most of these moments, most of the time.
the wind
always present
whispering through the trees
a cool breeze on a warm day
a mighty force
willfully contained
unnoticed
taken for granted
as she gently rearranges the clouds
slowly rolls in the weather
but when she calls upon the seas
and the mighty waves come crashing down
when she calls upon the earth
and she uproots the trees
when she calls upon the skies
and lets forth a furious storm
only then does the earth begin to take notice
-like we’ve never seen
they say time heals all wounds
my broken heart says otherwise
time is so repetitious
unrelenting
inescapable
it’s getting warmer and i haven’t smelled a drop of rain in weeks
time
always present in the changing seasons
reminds me where i was years earlier
just when i think i am doing alright
my body remembers
if time heals all wounds
why must this season come each year?
-six years, still waiting
you’re so strong
so brave
graceful
they said
as
if
i
had
a
choice
i wanted to tear the sun from the sky
but my fingers couldn’t reach
i wanted to curl up in the centre of the earth
but she wouldn’t make room for me
i wanted to sink to the depths of the sea
but she refused to swallow me up
so i rose each morning instead
mighty arms outstretched
a resting place
a peaceful place
home to many
happily giving
hauntingly beautiful
and then the storm
callous and cold
it didn’t care how much she had provided
it didn’t care how well she had been loved
far more than she could bear
no one would have blamed her if she had given up
but it wasn’t in her nature
you say i’ll miss these days
of punctuated sleep
terrible tantrums
and fresh cookies smears on my bathroom sink
but i already do
as a parent
i simultaneously see all sorts of realities
one where our kids are happy and grown
they’ve made it to adulthood
unscathed by their overthinking mother
and another
where i don’t have children at all
they’ve been erased from this earth by disease or some horrific accident
so even though i’m writing this at 2 am
sleep interrupted by the intermittent crying and comforting of my sweet and trying daughter
i am grateful for days like these
slowly dragged forward
my fingers scramble to cling to anything that might stop time
ten deep lines scar the earth
prominent now
they slowly fade away
as hard as this is
this is familiar
and it’s mine
the earth keeps spinning
when my world has stopped
moving forward means leaving pieces of you behind
-i’m not ready
i press my body against the earth
needing to feel close to you again
my tears water the ground you lie beneath
the sun continues to shine
i hate her for shining
for bringing each new day
the grass has begun to sprout
the earth has moved on
and yet here i am
it comes crashing down
a powerful wave in a furious storm
i’m lost
my lungs on fire
i’m not sure which way is up
not sure if i care
time is undone
and i am brought back to those first days without you
i’m left gasping for air
emotionally spent
but grateful for the reminder
-YOU were HERE
eventually i can let it gently wash over me
as the tide slowly moves in
peacefully
it pulls me out to the sea
for a moment
memory connects us again
the sun warm on my face
the water an understanding friend
giving me the time i need
i gently wash ashore with the returning tide